and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
