Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
