I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I will be naked everywhere
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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