Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
