I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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