your room smells of hookers.
And success
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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