So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
