if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
