While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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