God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
