I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
why is half of my head shaved?
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