They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
