Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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