So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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