i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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