I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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