so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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