I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
