I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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