I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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