Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
