Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It's official drugs can't kill me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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