you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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