Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
