i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
