Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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