How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
