Say something about gay babies.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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