hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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