At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
