The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
