Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
