thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
