I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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