I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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