you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
