No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
