Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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