Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
