ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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