im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
