She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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