There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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