I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We left an ass print on the piano.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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