I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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