No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
