then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize