You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
