sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
