found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
