I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
