um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
