If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
