Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
