Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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