I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
