Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
