No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
