The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize