my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
