I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
