i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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