Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if only i could text you this smell
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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